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17th February 2003

3:23pm: cradledfiction

Click. That's my new journal.

(get me a key)

23rd December 2002

7:58am: Hah. So, supposedly, I have like, 50 million new journals. And all the layouts bug me. So I'm back to this one. But somehow I'm hoping everyone has forgotten about this one, and I can rant in peace, because I'm too lazy to make the damned thing a private entry. Oh well.

I was talking to Aly. And we both agree that Lacey is quite different from how she used to be. I mean, she's so damned.. fake now. She doesn't act herself, she acts like she thinks other people want her to act. And if you tell her this, she gets very, very defensive, and that leads to arguments, which I generally don't want to deal with.

Oh. And, if seems, she only wants to talk to her 'online friends' when there is no one else to talk to. If she IMs me, it'll be because she feels abandoned by her other friends. Or because she needs to rant. Take the other night- she wanted me to get on Palace, so I did. And we were talking, and everything, and then the phone rings, she says 'brb,' I say 'okay,' and she doesn't come back online for the rest of the night.

It was just a little aggravating.

There's more to say.. but I'll leave that rant for later. In school at the moment. So yeah. Bye

(6 escapes | get me a key)

4th December 2002

7:50am: To the unobvservant:

Once again, my journal has moved. http://crowd.to/loster is the new addy.

-Who reads this thing, anyway? lol-

(get me a key)

1st December 2002

12:21am: Please refer to http://drear.diarland.com, as that is where my journal is currently located. ta ta, losters! [no, that isn't a typo!]

(2 escapes | get me a key)

27th November 2002

6:37pm: Toesocks, turkey-day, and chemistry exams.
Rawr. So here I sit in my jimjams, [that's pajamas for all you lower life forms] dreading tomorrow with every cell in my body. Why? Let's see:

1. I don't like food much anymore. I eat one meal a day- lunch. Lately that consists of a rice crispy treat. I eat lots of chocolate. That's it. Lost 10 pounds, want to keep it off and lose more, get it?

2. This whole family thing is new to me. I mean, I didn't even have a family [aside from the parental units] until my so-called 'Grandmother' died. Suddenly my Dad's family is all caring and 'Hey come to Thanksgiving with the rest of the family.' What the hell! I don't even KNOW everybody.

3. I have to wake up early. After days of getting up at 5 I desperatly need what sleep I can get. Last week, after 5 days of 4 hour nights of sleep, I slept for 18 hours straight. It's a sign, I'm telling you!

So yes. Dread dread dread. Had a 'fight' with Schmidty yesterday. I'm not even sure -what- to call it. It was bizarre. But, I don't really feel like getting into all that right now. Things are okay now, I think. Not quite sure.

And then there is Keenan, who didn't talk to me at all today. Generally he pops up at my locker or whatever, but not today. It was really weird. He wrote me a note asking if I wanted to go to the movies [or actually, declaring he wanted to take me], and I said I want to see Harry Potter 2, and he hasn't said a damned thing about it since. Annish is not happy. Rawr.

I want to write a poem. Nothing is floating around in my head, though. Inspiration? Please? -pouts-
Current Mood: anxious

(2 escapes | get me a key)

22nd November 2002

8:12am: Ugh. Sitting in Desktop Publishing, working on this calendar project, still. I should have way more done than I do, but oh well.

Alicia was supposed to get me outta this class so we could go to the bookfair thing [she has money, I don't, get it?] but of course she hasn't shown up yet. So unreliable is she!

Er. Yeah I'd better be getting back to that project. March has stars behind the days of the week, I was feeling creative taday. lalala...

Comment, you bastards!

(6 escapes | get me a key)

19th November 2002

5:57pm: If I made you cry, I'm sorry.
If I caused you pain, I'm sorry.
If I told you lies, I'm sorry.

I'm not asking for you to forgive me. I'm trying to make things right on my own, the way I know is best. Don't hate me for it.

Three people.
Current Mood: drained

(get me a key)

8:03am: If you're going to comment in my journal, at least be considerate enough to leave your name. Appreciate advice? Sure. But no, I do not appreciate assumptions from people who [as far as I know] don't know me, my life, or my friends.

(get me a key)

18th November 2002

8:10am: Yeah. So I'm probably grounded. Not sure, though. Maybe not, my Mom has this tendency to threaten and never go through with anything, but no complaints here if that is the case. For those of you who don't know [who reads this thing, anyway?] me and my Mom got in this rather large and fucked up series of arguments, and now she told her friend she isn't getting me a CD burner, etc etc. It all started with one damned phone call. Ugh. When did it become a rule that my mother had to act like a spoiled child every time something doesn't go her way?

Off to search the net for 'Rocko's Modern Life' graphics for this calendar project thing. Will update later, if I get the chance. [Ahhh the spacebar sticks..
Current Mood: gloomy

(get me a key)

6th November 2002

6:45pm: Old song, but still oh-so-pretty
Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
When I want you in my arms
When I want you and all your charms
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
When I feel blue in the night
And I need you to hold me tight
Whenever I want you all I have to do is dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream

I can make you mine
Taste your lips of wine
Anytime night or day
Only trouble is gee whiz
I'm dreaming my life away

I need you so that I could die
I love you so and that is why
Whenever I want you all I have to do is
Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream

(get me a key)

5th November 2002

5:47pm: God. I am bored, and I don't feel well, and I stayed home from school today, and got yelled at by the father figure.

Last Saturday was cool. Went to see The Ring and then went to the mall, with Andrew who makes candy necklaces explode.

5 day weekend, hope is isn't boring as hell, that would suck. Somebody needs to call me tomorrow, around 11 or something, and be all 'Wanna come over?' or something, coz I don't wanna stay home all day.

I want to be pretty. That is my only goal, how pathetic I am. I just want to look into the mirror and not have this, 'Ugh how can you go out in public with that face' feeling.

-points to hand- After I finished my book today I wrote ILR and drew a heart near it. Even more pathetic I am. It's green and glittery though, so maybe that makes up for something.

Oh well. Haven't posted for a while; just figured I'd let everyone know I was still here.
Current Mood: sick

(get me a key)

30th October 2002

10:57pm: Scars, Beauty Queens, and Crack Whores

Nope, you wouldn't.

I am about to go to bed. Tomorrow is Halloween, I should be excited, but I'm not. There is nothing to do; though I'll probably give out candy, or something.

I seriously need to sort out my life. Get my priorities straight, and such. Or end it once and for all. Either way, I'll get out of this hell, I swear it.

I completed the day only writing ILR on one piece of paper. Only one. And I only wrote it once. Maybe I can get through this? I wish I wasn't so damned pathetic about it. But I can't help it.

Drama queen..
Current Mood: exhausted

(get me a key)

29th October 2002

6:59pm: God. I miss Ryan. I really do. I miss the way things used to be. My only option now is to get over him. But how is that possible? It's been over a year and I love him more than ever. And we haven't had a decent conversation in months. Now we aren't speaking at all.

And no, this isn't a pity post, I just needed to get that out.

I am quite disapointed. Andrew won't wear eyeliner. And he told me he would. Now he's being all difficult about it. Why can't guys just cooperate? It is so much easier that way, after all. Just make me happy, and I'll be quiet, until there's something else you need to do to make me happy. It is very simple. But no, they must argue and be little jackasses. Damnit. But that's alright. I shall dry my fake, overdramatic tears, and move on.

Though, I've nothing else to say. So I guess I'll be leaving now. -shrug-

And none have you have joined the RPG. I am very disapointed in all of you.
Current Mood: bored

(get me a key)

28th October 2002

5:43pm: Rusty Roses

Go there! It is my friend Aly's RPG [I moderate]. Is set in midevil times, you can be any creature you like. Visit and join ;D

(get me a key)

27th October 2002

3:26pm: I can't take this any more. I can't take it, I don't want to -do- this anymore. Downward spiral, right? Quicker and quicker as you reach the bottom, like a staircase going nowhere but down, into the depths of hell, but it's an escalator that is moving so fast that you can't run back up it quick enough.

How fair is this? Why do I end up with nothing, always? I can't possibly be that horrible a person that everything just drifts away all at once, can I? Don't I at least deserve -something- to stay the way it's always been, the way it should be? Anything?

I'm tired of nothing. I can't take it any more. I can't.

Peppermint demise, right? White skin, red blood. White pills, red lips.

Open up your eyes and see, the candy of morbidity. Oh, if only.

If only.
Current Mood: crushed

(get me a key)

26th October 2002

2:23pm: Haven't updated for a few days, but I've had nothing to say. Still don't, as a matter of fact. Stayed home from school again yesterday. -shrug- I had another headache, which sucked, but at least I got out of the pep rally. I have yet another headache now, but I'm trying to live with it.

I'm so tired of not having any money. We're supposed to go to the mall tomorrow and I have -nothing-. My Mom owes me 80 fucking dollars but I doubt I'll be seeing any of that any time soon.

At least she's going to buy me makeup. That's a plus.

It amazes me that a week or so ago everyone talked to me; in school and online. And now it's just, dead. Everyone has given up on me. -smiles weakly- But that's okay.

I'm going to go clean, or something. -shrug- Bye.
Current Mood: bored

(3 escapes | get me a key)

23rd October 2002

7:49pm: Wants, needs, and sleeping pills
I want what Aly has with her boyfriend. Or even what Klarissa has with Greg. It seems everyone can find someone and be happy but I am never going to have that.

I mean, I realize I am only 15, and should have a bit of optimism still remaining. But, this feeling of hopelessness and grief and loneliness, undescribable really, has washed over me.

The love story, with it's perfect ending, will -never- contain my name.
Current Mood: cynical

(1 escape | get me a key)

6:42am: Coca cola, soap operas, and divorce.
Here it is, morning again. I find myself quite contemplative in the morning, as the sun rises up over the horizon, and the sky is streaked with blood that never drips onto the ground.

Anyway. Enough of the bull. ;D

I have like, three quizzes to make up. I picked a bad day to get sick. -cry- Chem, Geometry, French.

Hopefully my French teacher will let me take it tomorrow. And my Chem teacher won't let us make up things during school. Unless we have 'free time' so I figure I'll ask her to do it after I'm done a different quiz.

Geometry I know I can't get out of, coz my teacher is an uber bitch cow woman. -mumbles-

I hate having to go to other teachers' rooms to take tests! It bothers me.

The bus is gonna be hear [I almost said the bell is going to ring..]

-blows a kiss-

Will update later!

(get me a key)

22nd October 2002

7:55pm: More guys should wear eyeliner! It's a must. And any guy who refuses to wear eyeliner to make me happy is a dumbass. lol

That is my obsession. That, and people with tongue/ lip piercings. Not everyone, though. Like no one in my school is even barely appealing with it.

It has occurred to me that there isn't really anyone at my school that is hott, or sexy. No one I'd go out with. It's pretty pathetic when you think about it. Someone will be remotely attractive and then they do something stupid or I notice some fault about them and it's all over.

I want to go to a different school. -shrugs- Oh well. I'm off to watch Buffy. Willow is too hott, man.
Current Mood: contemplative

(3 escapes | get me a key)

3:19pm: Poem [-bad- poem, but one nonetheless]
Candles broken adorn the wall,
flickering shadows echo flames,
that dance in gentle wind
that streams from nostrils,
deeply sleeping.
Forhead creased with worry,
he sighs and lays a hand,
against her sleeping cheek.
Fatherly love radiates,
from a man despised and shunned.
Murmers 'I'm sorry,'
though she can't hear him.
Fever lies unbroken,
making her breaths more shallow,
as the sickness worsens.
If only he had been around more,
than she'd know he cared.
But she'd always missed out on,
hugs before she went to bed,
loving smiles in the morning,
compassionate vigils when she was sick,
or even worried lectures when she had run away.
Candle wicks burn down,
wax melts and drips.
Slowly tiny fires extinguish themselves,
and he holds his breath, then let's it out,
in ragged sobs of misery.
For her breath once shallow,
has halted completely.
And now it seems,
his hidden care,
has shown itself;
But, alas,
it is too little, too late.

commenttt. -.-

(1 escape | get me a key)

12:14pm: Migraines, tylenol, and bullets.
Sorry I wasn't in school today. I know you all must have missed me something terrible.

Woke up this morning with a massive migraine. It has receded to a dull throb, but yeah. Anyway, I woke up this morning, and wandered into my parents' room, and told my Mom I had a migraine. So she said, 'Go back to bed.'

I left, went into the kitchen, and got something to drink. Walked back up the hallway to my room and my Dad had just gotten up. And he -hugged- me. And he was all, 'Are you alright? Why don't you take a hot shower? That'll make you feel better.' I told him I wanted to go back to sleep, and he said I should take a hot bath later and that'd help.

I was so -shocked- that he hugged me. I mean, it was the most fatherlike gesture I can remember since I broke my wrist! [And that was before 7th grade!] The absurdity of him being all, caring at 5 in the morning almost had me laughing. But for some bizarre reason I was touched. So, I felt very loved. -smiles- And that is slightly rare around here, with all the harsh words going around.

I'm going to go read 'The Haunting of Hill House.' And I do believe I'll be laughing my ass off if any other words turn out to be circled..
Current Mood: sick

(2 escapes | get me a key)

21st October 2002

6:35am: School spirit, cheerleaders, and machine guns ;D
-sighs- In 10 mins I have to leave on that bus to hell.

Freshman are supposed to wear blue, and I wanted to wear blue, but oh well. Sophmores are supposed to wear -get this- yellow. -laughs insanely- Yeah that's gonna happen -looks in closet-

-regards clothes- black, red, black, black and purple, dark blue, black and red, white and dark blue [one sweatshirt], green, green and black..

Uhm. I don't wanna go. -clings to monitor- I hate high school so very much. I want to move. I hate the people at my school. I hate most of my teachers. The faculty thinks I'm psychotic [seriously, some chick told them she was scared for her life -snickers-]. It makes me wonder, am I -that- scary? lol

FIve minutes. -tear-

I just remembered that I can't bum it tomorrow. Cathy wants me to wear the plaid pants she cloned. Rawr. Twin day. -snickers- What a way to show school spirit

What ever happened to pajama day?

Or, pajama pillow blanket day?

Sleep all day?

Slippers are fun day?

-sighs- Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to school I go.. -whistles-
Current Mood: cold

(4 escapes | get me a key)

20th October 2002

8:24pm: If I could just have -one- day where everything went right, I could die happy.

And if only I could squeeze lemon juice into life's eyes until it cried..

(get me a key)

6:55pm: Drugs, straight jackets, and welfare.
I swear. My parents are such bastards. I get blamed for absolutely everything. All I asked of my Mom was that she tell me when she was washing the black clothes so that I wouldn't have to do a seperate load. And, of course, she didn't tell me, and went ahead and did it anyway.

So, I go downstairs to see if there was anything in the washing machine, and of course, there lie the black clothes. There was damp clothes in the dryer, too, so I couldn't wash mine.

Just now, I plainly said to my Mom, "I asked you to tell me when you were washing the dark clothes, because now I have to wait to do my laundry."

She replies, "Then throw your stuff downstairs like everyone else does."

This, of course, is absolutely moronic, seeing as how the basement is also my Mom's 'bird room,' and therefore there is dust, and birdseed, and such. So, I said, "I wear all BLACK. Every time I put something down there and you wash it, it comes back with dust and lint on it. I don't see how hard it is for you to just TELL me."

So my Dad says, "Then do your own laundry."

I said, "I was TRYING to, but there is stuff in the dryer and the washing machine."

He says, "Then take the stuff out of the dryer, put the stuff from the washing machine into the dryer, and wash your stuff."

I say, "The stuff in the dryer is wet still."

He says, "I thought you put the dryer back on."

I say, "I did. I haven't had a chance to check that yet. And I can't do that laundry now anyway, Mom is going to feed her birds."

So he gets up and goes downstairs, and my Mom glares at me, and goes "Now see what you've done."

She then proceeds to tell her friend Mae that, "Don went downstairs to check the dryer because Miss Anni started complaining again."

It seems so irrevelant and childish to get mad about this, but stupid shit happens constantly around here, and I'm the one who get's the dirty looks, the angry stares, the heated words, the blame.

It's stupid.

Amazing how I sit and dwell on my problems when just about everyone else is so much worse off than I.

On a lighter note, I have no idea why I update this journal so much. I usually don't do that. -shrugs-

Angel is on tonight. I can't wait. I absolutely love that show. ^-^ "I love you. Now get out of my house."

School tomorrow. Oh how I dread it. The crowded halls, the clingie ex boyfriend, the disturbed teachers, uncooperative lockers, and moronic students. Getting up at 5 in the morning is pointless. Sitting in French class hearing the teacher drone on about bread in bookbags and verbs is irrelevant. Doing worksheets in Driver's Ed is moronic.

I can just picture a driving test!

'Okay, now, start the engine.'
'Where's the button?'
[Care of a simulator centered class]

I still want to know how you can 'find yourself high' at a party.

And who in thier right mind would call up thier parents and tell them that? 'Uh, Dad, I don't know HOW it happened, but I was smoking this joint, see, and now I'm kind of high.'

Oh. And sorry folks, I'm still not pregant!

Au revoir. -blows a kiss- ^-^
Current Mood: aggravated

(1 escape | get me a key)

4:00pm: God. I absolutely despise fighting with Lacey. Things could have been patched up by now but every time we come in contact with each other I'll say something she doesn't like, then she says something utterly low and hurtful, and then it starts over again.

So Lacey is falling love with Erin. And that's great. Let them both be happy and maybe I'll be left alone to clean my wounds. And, for your information Lacey, all I cared about was you being happy. So please don't even start with that, 'you never wanted me to be happy' bullshit, kay?

I feel so -horrible- because Paige keeps saying it's partially her fault and it isn't.

The urge to write a poem is back again but as always I've no idea what to write about. I'm attempting to write a little less about misery, death, and suicide. Yesterday's poem wasn't too bad.

I suppose believing in God would be awful helpful right about now. I'd have something to turn to. But I don't, so when I turn all I see is a blank wall, rather than angels and a background tune of hymns.

-forces a smile- I could use a guardian angel right about now. -shrugs- Oh well.

This is sort of amusing. Every few minutes Andrew IMs with a 'Hey can you finish this sentence..' lolness

Might go to Blockbuster tomorrow. And the bookstore, finally. I need my damned allowance, though. I hate being broke, and I'm not used to that feeling anymore.

-sighs and sings softly- Mighty Mouse is on the wayy..

I'll update again later. I must go do laundry. -gag-

Let me escape -points to comment button-
Current Mood: blank

(2 escapes | get me a key)

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